I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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