I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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