Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
