she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
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