Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Go christen that room with your naked body.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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