Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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