The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
