Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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