I got chris browned last night
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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