I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
