Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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