After last night, I could never be a politician.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
