Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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