mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
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I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
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The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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