I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
