after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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