Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
