I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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