the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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