He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
