I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
