If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter