Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
time to smoke my breakfast
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize