a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet