Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
