She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
