haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
