I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
