Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
