me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
