we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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