I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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