Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
