all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
