I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
