Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
