I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
