The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
