I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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