I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
