I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
