I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
wow bdsm is so cute
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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