the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
