I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
