god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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