I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
