I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I want a musical about memes.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
