I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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