if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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