i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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