So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
