Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You're like the curious george of whores
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It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
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I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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