Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
