I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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