I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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